Thirteen Is Just Too Much
by midorimouse7
Summary: Thirteen is a symbol. And if there is one thing Rachel knows it is metaphors. Loosely based on Thirteen Reasons Why.
1. The Tape

We all stared at the small machine, eyes wide and in disbelief. That small tape was all we had left of her, the one thing we had to remember her by. To think that we drove Rachel Berry to that extent was impalpable. But it was true and that small tape was proof enough.

_Thirteen. An odd number, an unlucky number, a baker's dozen. Also the number of reasons my life fell apart. Not to say my life was perfect but it was okay. Now it is torture. To have something so sweet and have it to be taken away is a most cruel fate. Whoever said "It is better to have love and lost than to have not loved at all" was obviously wrong. I was content with my loneliness because I never knew what it meant to have something so incredible only to have it taken away. _

_Thirteen is the magically odd number. The number that says we no longer are children but rather young adults. The number that changes people. The number that changed me. If there is one thing I pride myself in, it is my dedication and unwillingness to give up. Those characteristics are desired, needed, in order to make it to the top. And the top is the only place that would do for me. I never faltered in my goals. I always donned a game face. I never let anyone through my walls. Until I joined Glee. _

_Show business is all about luck. You get the right connections that give you you're lucky break. You are the lucky star of the surprise hit show and suddenly you're famous. In a way Glee was my luck. It proved that I had talent and it proved that I had the will to perform. Maybe Glee was the thirteenth best thing in my life because in the long run it made me unlucky. It showed me love and betrayal. It showed me friendship and animosity. It showed me the second side to my every coin. It showed me the truth because everything before Glee was just the opposite; A dream. _

_The show of generosity is too give without expecting a return. In a bakery a baker's dozen is thirteen goods for the price of a dozen. I like to think myself as a generous person but we all know that is a lie. I put time and effort into a club that never appreciates it. I give me time and effort to people who don't even give me a backwards glance. But I also hoard. I hoard the spot light. I hoard the best. I hoard dreams. _

_Thirteen is a number, a symbol, and a gesture. But thirteen is also a list. It is the why. Because we all know I didn't get here by myself. I had help and here are my thirteen reasons why. _

_This tape will go through that list and you will all listen because you all want to know the reason why. You want that confirmation that you couldn't possibly be part of the reasons that led to this. You want to hear the people who did this, you want to know it couldn't possibly be you because then how could you ever move away from the guilt. _

_So here we go, part one of the downward spiral. The reason this all began…_

**A/N- Originally this was going to be a one-shot but I decided to extend it and create one chapter for each reason. I know it is short but I want to see if a) anyone is interested and b) I want to separate the reasons into separate chapters. **


	2. Reason One

Reason 1

I never knew that silence could be so painful. But it was. The grainy sound of the tape filled the room as Rachel's voice paused from the tirade of accusations. I glanced back at the group, watching as fear slowly filled their eyes. Fear, not shame. Guess Berry was really onto something.

_I never knew what made me stand out. Maybe it was my clothes. Maybe it was the way I walked. O r maybe I'm just a freak. So different from everyone that I give a natural aura of weird. This would not have been too bad if I was left to be weird in my own little world. Unfortunately life is cruel and decided I must pay for my strangeness. A strangeness people view as bad all because of one Quinn Fabray. _

_It was the first day of high school. A nice day with a few clouds in the sky. I was not too different from the rest of the crowd. In fact you could say I looked like everyone else. But that would have been a lie. Why else would you choose to bully me? All it took was one mean word and the rest followed. _

_Why? I had nothing while you had everything. I was just some oddly dressed freshman trying to figure out the structural set up not some budding rival. You knew nothing of me yet you acted as though you knew everything. You had yet to see my talent. You had yet to hear me speak. You had yet to let me show when you decided to take every opportunity from me. _

_You started the vicious cycle of torture all because I was different. Even worse you took away my chance to live. No one would know me for my voice. My intelligence. My essence. They would know me from your taunts. Your insults. Your assumptions. _

_Why? You had everything. Looks, talent, and brains. Later on, yes, we had a competition but the first day of school we were naught but strangers. People who knew nothing that was and had no idea of what would become. _

_One simple word and my life was destined. Condemned. Doomed. I suffered taunts and insults and attacks. People judge me. People hate me. People don't know who I really am. _

_You may not have finished me off but you gave the blow. The first stab. The first reason. _

I snuck a glance at Quinn. Her pale face was like milk. Cold and deathly pale. She didn't look anyone in the eye but simply stared. Once again the grainy tape swallowed the room. Only this time it wasn't silent. It was loud. It was filled with hate. And accusations.

**A/N: A short chapter but I think it sums up the beginning of Rachel's hell. Besides the chapters are suppose to be short on account that the plot includes a single tape of Rachel's final words to her former Glee clubbers. **

**Well I hope you enjoyed it. Hopefully you'll stick around for the next chapter. I know I'm horrible at posting regularly but since this is a short story I should be updating frequently. Plus I want to finish this before I lose the feel for the sorrow. **


	3. Reason Two

Reason 2: Finn

I awaited her voice. Her voice that use to agitate me. Made me want to scream. But now it was entrancing. It captivated me because I needed to know what else she would say.

_Well now that we finished my first reason it is time to move to number two. Well Finn, how does it feel to be in second place? _

_You were always insecure, never believing in the strength you truly did have. Always having your life dictated by the rules of high school; the norms of Ohio life. But I still believed you were a good person. Why else would you see me as something akin to human? _

_When I first saw, really saw you, in Glee I thought you had a voice that could match mine. You didn't have classes or training or anything that I had that insured my voice to be the best but you had raw talent. And I liked that. _

_I didn't see you in an entirely romantic way-okay maybe but this is my show and I'll run it how I see fit- until you kissed me. Then I thought just maybe I could be loved. But you threw that away. You had a girlfriend who fitted in your perfect world. And you left me in the dust. If Quinn took away my chance then you took away my reputation. I no longer was just the freak who sang on MySpace. I was now the other woman. The girl you ran to when the real world got hard. The girl who would always be second place. _

_When you ran back to Quinn because of her pregnancy I thought I lost my shot. You were gone now even if I did try to get your attention. I must have looked pathetic running after a guy with a pregnant girlfriend. But you led me on. You made me believe that there could be something. That is why I always came back, you made me believe. _

_But that hope was all for nothing because in the end you didn't leave the girl. You ran away when you heard of her betrayal but you didn't leave. You never left her because she was always your first. The first girl you loved. The first girl you kissed. The first choice. _

_At sectionals I thought we had a connection. A chance at happiness. Our voices sounded great together just how I imagined our relationship. I thought we were two people who belonged. But then we came back to school and it all fell apart. _

_Once again high school dictated your life. You never had to suffer what I suffered for years and when you got a small taste of it you spat it out. You spat me out. You didn't give me a chance to show you what I could have been because you were too preoccupied with everyone else. With everyone but me. _

_Again I was the second choice. Never the winner. Always left behind. You chose popularity over me. You chose an intangible idea over me. You chose to leave me in the outskirts. I was always looking in. _

_Do you know how painful it is to watch a person leave you? To find a person who talked to you as a human only to leave you behind? To always be the second one? _

_When I first met you I thought you were different. I bit of a sheep but you had potential. You had something that could have made you great. But you choose to go on with your life as though the spark was dead. _

_You don't think about me, you think about what people think of me. You don't sing, you perform what others think is good. You don't choose, you accept what others give to you. You never did anything for just me and you. You always did what was right for you, what was mandated by of social norms. _

_So it comes down to this: _

_You showed me a glimmer of hope. You took that hope away. You gave me a chance then quickly snatched it away. You took away my pride and turned my reputation into the other. _

_Second best. The runner-up. The loser. _

_So tell me Finn, how does it feel? _

You could almost hear the smirk in her voice. A cruelty I never thought would come from her. Finn just looks shocked but it might be because he only understand half. But half was enough, you could see a bit of guilt. In fact you can see a bit of guilt on everyone. But most importantly you can see the fear.

If Rachel didn't stop at Finn, the man we all thought she **loved**, who can be safe. What other secrets would she expose?


	4. Reason Three

Reason 3: Shelby

This time the silence was not as stretching. It was short and fearful. I looked around the room watching as we all held our breath, awaiting the next charge. We were like guilty criminals hoping the jury would prove us wrong.

_I was always proud of my two fathers. They were happy. They had a career. They had everything I could only dream. I was accepted in my house. My fathers adore me and do everything they can to help me reach my goals. _

_I can tell them everything but there are times I wish I had a mother. Sometimes I feel like I need a woman in my life who can help guide me because she has been there. As much as I love my fathers there are things they can't relate too. _

_When I was younger we did crafts at school. I really enjoyed doing them but then mother's day would come. I didn't have a mother. While all the other kids were off doing things like cards or bead necklaces I was doing nothing. I guess it was not so bad until other children began to notice. _

_They noticed I didn't have a mother but I did have two parents. Two dads. Yet no one ever offered to give me girl advice. I had to learn everything with books. Do you know how awkward it is to get your first period without knowing what you are going to do? How uncomfortable it is to tell two men that you need female hygiene products? Well you can imagine how awkward that went. _

_But I learned to cope. Until I found out I had a real mom. Kind of ironic that she was the coach for Vocal Adrenaline, huh? She was coaching the team that represented my dream. She has a beautiful voice. We sang together, right here in the auditorium. It was after she told me she could not be my mother. _

_She said that she gave me up because she wanted to go to Broadway, she wanted to accomplish her dream. She was not allowed to see me but her curiosity proved to be too much. She gave Jesse St. James the task of befriending me. Then he slipped in a tape that introduced me to her voice. _

_She wanted to so desperately meet me. Until she saw who I was. It must have been like a Christmas of birthday package. It looks so beautiful in the wrapping but you open it up and it turns out to be one of those gifts you see at a drug store. _

_She gave me up again. I accepted her reason, after all I too want to be a star. I knew she was not ready for a daughter. I knew she was not ready for me. _

_When Quinn gave birth I was the one who stayed behind. I told Shelby about the unwanted baby. I thought she would tell Quinn it was a mistake. I thought she would tell Quinn she would regret it. What a surprise when she adopted Beth. Beth, the biological daughter of the girl who made my life hell._

_Once again I was not enough. I was too much of everything for Shelby to accept me. I was not a clean slate. I was not a naïve child. I was not Beth. If Quinn stile my chance and Finn took my reputation then Shelby took away my distinctiveness. _

_A mother loves their child, despite of their faults. She tells her child that they are wonderful and the world will one day appreciate them. She promises them that they are unique and they could never be replaced in her heart. I know that is not always true but I thought that it could have been. But then you showed me that motherhood is a lie. _

_If the person who was to love despite it all gave up on me then why should I believe that the world will love me? You gave me up and replaced me with a shiny new version that you could mold to your tastes. _

_Grotesque. Unlovable. Replaceable. _

_These are the only words I had left to define me. The only words that mattered. _

Shock. Beth was now part of Rachel's family. Well you can't say fate doesn't have a twisted sense of humor.


	5. Reason Four

Reason Four: Jesse

I closed my eyes, hoping my name would not be called. Because really, who wants to be exposed in front of everyone else?

_They say that opposites attract. Well I guess I'm off to disprove every common saying because Jesse and I are not opposites. In fact we are alike. We both have the same dreams and we both act like "divas". But sometimes that is not enough. _

_When I first met Jesse I was heartbroken. Finn proved to me I was worthless and we had a "Hello" music assignment. I went to the music store, looking through the music sheets, when he criticized me. _

_Apparently he saw my performance in Sectionals and said that although I was talented I was not yet a star. It was rude but it was also a critique from someone who said I had talent. Someone that recognized my potential. Someone that saw a glimmer of what I really am. _

_He plays the piano. He really is talented. He bellows out "Hello" by Lionel Richie. And he invites me to sing along. He was not Finn with his untrained voice but rather an equal. He was not a person content with where he was but rather equally ambitious. _

_But he didn't love me, not at first. He was only pretending to like me because of Shelby. But I did love him. I thought I had found an equal. I thought I had found a friend. I thought I had found happiness. _

_When Jesse egged my face it was more than just a final break up. It was a revelation. He was giving me up for his dream. For my dream. For our dream. He knew Vocal Adrenaline would take him there so he did what he had to and gave me up._

_I thought we were the same. Ambitious, intelligent, and talented. _

_But it turns out we are not the same. I am just a cheap imitation. Not ambitious enough. Not good enough. Not anything enough. _

_I could not crush my heart to get what I want. I could not leave McKinley High School to pursue my dream. I cared too much. I could not stop my traitorous feelings and become free. _

_The one thing Jesse showed me was my lack of star quality. A star must always appear in public in a confident way. A star must be prepared to steal the role from others. A star must be prepared to leave behind distractions. _

_Jesse was not my first love but he was my first equal. An equal that proved to be more than me. A equal that rose above and I couldn't keep up. _

_So concluded my first year of Glee. Four different reasons, all connected, destroyed what I was. But all hope was not lost. I am Rachel Berry, Broadway start extraordinaire. I had something going on with a boy. My talent was somewhat recognized. Glee was a bit like having friends. _

_If these tragedies were all that happened to me then I'm sure it would have been fine but they are not. Because even though I did show you the landmarks of the year I still have not taken you behind the scenes. _

_So let us take a look at the background. Let us know the small aches I suffered each day. Let us know my hell. _

I let out a sigh. Relief. I was not called out. I did not affect her that first year in Glee. But my relief was short lived. Four people have been exposed but there were still nine more to go.

**A/N- Thank you all for those who put this story in alert and as a favorite and a big thanks to **Shelz, rainthenrainbows, and kaycedilla2011.


	6. Reason Five, Six, Seven, and Eight

Reason Five, Six, Seven, and Eight: Mercedes, Artie, Tina, and Kurt

_Well then let us move on shall we? _

Her voice filled the room. There was no pause this time, no time to agonize.

_We were all the people that never got a chance. We were all marked as different due to things out of our control. Mercedes, Artie, Tina, and Kurt. All different yet all the same. _

_Mercedes._

_Artie._

_Tina._

_Kurt._

_Mercedes, both of us have similar personalities but I guess that is not enough for friendship. When you tried to go after Kurt both Tina and I tried to stop you. I did it because I thought we were friends. Yet you never extended the same courtesy to me. Never did you try to stop me from foolishly pursuing a path that led to hurt. It might not have been your responsibility but you could have helped. _

_Artie. _

_Tina. _

_Kurt. _

_I always thought you had a nice character, Artie. You are an old soul that is always willing to give a helping hand. Except to me. You did help me in stuff but not in things that truly mattered. You never offered to sit with me. You never offered to just sit and listen. But you did give me help in other things. I guess in a way you treated me like an acquaintance. To me it just was never enough. _

_Tina._

_Kurt. _

_Tina, you have a nice voice. You also have a strange sense of style. I'm probably not one that should judge if we go by the comments my choice of wardrobe receives. I thought we could bond over that. We both have different styles to that of the student body. We both stand out. We both dress out. But we never really talked. You talked to others but never to me. Guess similar fashion sense is not a good enough topic. _

_Kurt. _

_You and I, Kurt, are the same. If I'm the cheap copy of Jesse then you and I are of the same mold. It was not until recently that we have become friends. But it was before our friendship that your comments hurt me. You pretended to be my friend only to help make a mockery of me. Divas. Skilled. Different. The same but too alike. We were competition and in a way that gave me a bond. _

_I guess it was not you personally that hurt, other than your comments on my character, but rather what others did to you. You were picked on but people still liked you. They stood up for you. Even Quinn likes you. _

_Mercedes, Artie, Tina, and Kurt. _

_Along with me we were the original New Directions. We were all freaks. We were all in the outskirts. We were the same. I thought we would band together and become friends. Isn't that what happens in movies? The freaks get together, find out they are something, and tumble down the existing regime. The female protagonist even manages to snag a cute boyfriend. _

_But that didn't happen. Instead you four became friends and I was left along. Always watching and never participating. Always standing behind and never besides. Always on the outside and looking in. _

_Maybe that is what hurts. _

_Not that you excluded me but that I always had to watch. It would be one thing to be a freak but another to see other people labeled as such yet that had so much more. You all had friendship. Even though we were outcasts you had all found a people that accepted you. You found people that enjoyed you. You had a place of strength. _

_I don't hate you guys nor do I blame you but your actions did hurt. Intentional or unintentional they still had the same effect. They still had the same burn. _

_And so concludes part one of my misery. The first part that loosened the glue. But not the part that shattered my heart. That part happened next. _

Her first year in New Direction concluded. The tape went dead and the machine popped open. Wordlessly I switched sides.

"Puck," Mr. Shue said quietly, "We don't have to continue with the tape today."

I couldn't bear not knowing, only guessing, what my role was. I turned back to my spot taking in the faces of the club members. And for once I saw the one thing that has been eating me all along. I saw shame.

**A/N- So I finished part one. I wanted to keep the identity of Puck a secret until after the first part and hopefully you enjoyed the small introduction of his name. **

**Thank you **Shelz ** for your last review. **


	7. Reason Nine

Reason Nine: Santana

The tape was noisy. The background was that of passing cars. Was she really recording this outside?

_Do you hear that? That is the sound of all the traffic that passes by a particular hotel. Your hotel Santana. _

I snuck a glance at her. Really I just couldn't help it. Santana looked shocked. Fuck I would too if I was in her position. Rachel just said that she is in front of the hotel in which Finn lost his virginity.

_If you were outside with me you would see what I see. A small building that looked like it could use a fresh coat of paint. _

_I always thought you were one of the most meanest Cheerio. But I never thought you could also be a murderer. Not in a physical sense but in an emotional. The day you told me about you and Finn I was destroyed. _

_You stole my security. I thought Finn was the one. I thought Glee was the place. I thought I had found happiness. You showed me that I was wrong. _

_I could accept that you slept with Finn. I forgave him like I always do but your words hurt me more than anything else. _

_You told me not Finn. You told me New Directions hated me. You told me I was worthless. And you took pleasure in my pain. _

_To have the lover of your boyfriend tell you about their rendezvous hurts. A pain you cannot imagine. To be told that a whole group of people hates you is shocking. Especially if that group is full of people you thought could be friends. To then have the same person take away the one thing you thought was secure is death. _

_See when you sang that solo you didn't just take a song you took the one thing I always thought was constant. _

_You have always insulted me and your insults always had a small degree of effect but when those cruel words escaped your mouth it killed my soul. You showed me the dark truth I was hiding from myself. You showed me the flaws I kept concealed in my imaginary world. You stole the security that made me think my dreams could be a reality. _

_Lets us go back and connect the dots. First Quinn, the queen bee, unleashes the bullying. Then Finn destroys my reputation as the best. Shelby shows me that I am replaceable. Jesse teaches me that I can never be a star. Then you show me the truth I was burying all along. _

_I don't think you were born to be cruel. I think life must have shown you some things that forced you to be what you are. Even so it does not give you the right to be malicious. _

_That day at sectionals I had to dry up my tears and pretend to love you and the rest of the club. I had to go on stage and pretend to be happy. I had to go and stage my life. _

_I should have been use to it. After all the world is a stage is it not? I might have been blind to it but you stole my mask. I wonder what you think of me when you found out I stole something of yours too._

It was a short confession but that did not make it less hurtful. A small choking sound filled the room.

It was Santana. She was not crying but she did have a look of shock. I wonder what it was that Rachel stole.

**A/N- So this is the last update for today. I should be finishing the story by tomorrow because I don't want to lose the creativity nor the voice I have maintained so far. So keep a look out for constant updates tomorrow afternoon. **

**Thank you **kaycedilla2011 **for your review. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Also congrats on guessing the narrator. **


	8. Reason Ten

Reason Ten: Mr. Shue

No matter what comes next I won't break, I told myself. But would I? Half of the people are already in tears and the other half is filled with dread. Three guesses as to whom.

_They say great teacher do more than teach you of a subject, they teach you about your soul. Well if your mouths are not open in shock then I guess I should just come out and say it. _

_Mr. Shue you are reason ten. _

The look on Mr. Shue really was shock but there was also a bit of sadness. To be told you are the reason of something horrible is tragic. To be told that when your job is to stop that then it is catastrophic.

_When you first formed New Directions you say me as someone who you could fix. I had talent but I needed to work as a team player. You're lessons are probably done out of the goodness of your heart but you never really understood me and that hurt. _

_You always said that I needed to work as a person as part of a team. Well it's a bit hard to be a team player when you don't play for a team. You never really saw that. You only saw what you wanted to create. _

_Telling us that Glee was suppose to be like family might have been true for most of the members but it was never for me. I lied to myself and made myself believe that we could be a family but we all know it was a good lie. We all are excellent liars after all. _

_As a teacher you are the person that is shields the students from pain. You didn't have to stop it. All you had to do was lessen the blows. When we had Glee meetings you always tried to unify us. When we sang you choose songs that meant something to the world. When you had projects you tried to make us stronger. _

_When I first didn't want to be in Glee you sought me out. You made me believe that I was worth something. Even if after a while you forgot about me and pushed my worries in the background I still remembered the gesture of faith. _

_For a while that was enough until the day you yelled. _

_A teacher is not supposed to have a favorite student but they all do anyways. It is a part of the teacher student relationship. I can understand why you favor Finn. He is like a small puppy in need of guidance. Maybe you see a bit of yourself in him. Maybe you just want to save him. Maybe you could have saved me. _

_When I came in and refused to sing you yelled at me. You did not try to talk to me after Glee and try to figure out why I refused to sing. You did not try to understand me reasons. You did not try anything. _

_When Finn quit Glee after he found out that Quinn lied to him you went and comforted him and he joined Glee again. Maybe if you did the same to me we wouldn't be in this mess. _

_You were the person that should have seen me as a student in pain. You were the person that could have made me great. You were the person that was going to show me my soul. _

_Well you did that. You showed me that even adults who should know better can't learn to give me a chance. You showed me that my soul really is not worth saving. You showed me that I am worthless. _

The shock of the truth was not as shocking as the break in her voice. She sounded so vulnerable and so alone. And that made it all the worse.

**A/N: Thank you** Notjustanotherperson **and **rainthenrainbows **for the reviews. **


	9. Reason Eleven

Reason Eleven: Puck

Mr. Shue looked defeated. Santana was just quiet. Kurt and Tina were in tears. Mercedes and Artie looked close to tears. Finn looked ashamed. And Quinn, well she looked awful. Mike and Sam looked shocked. Brittany was just standing there with a sad look. And I was praying that I wouldn't be next.

"_Give me your hands, if we be friends, /And Robin shall make amends" (Shakespeare). Never were there truer words. That is why Puck is number eleven. _

I froze. She called me name. My nickname not my full name as she always does.

_You are the only person I cannot begrudge. In fact you are the only one I will truthfully thank. You saved me. You might have been the reason as to why Finn broke up with me but in a way you did something good. _

_When we first dated and we broke up I was not sad about it. We were using each other to forget the pain. We were the same. I think it was not until later that I realized it but we could have been a really happy couple. At that time we were too broken. At that time we were too bitter. At that time it was not time. _

_When Santana said nobody wanted me you stood up for me. _

_When I was broken you offered to help. _

_When I was weak you were strong. _

_That night when I was making out with you I didn't stop but rather you did. You cared about your friendship with Finn and maybe you even cared about me. We were no longer the same as before. _

_We no longer needed to use each other. You stopped me and showed me you cared. It may have been your bond with Finn but you showed me that people can change. If you changed from a boy you was only looking for a kiss to the boy that stopped a mistake then maybe I can change too. _

_After I change maybe we could be happy is what I thought. I thought maybe we could make something good after I learn to change. After I become a butterfly that could join you in the sky. _

_I always thought Finn was the one for me. Recording this now I realize you might be someone I can be with. Even in our short lived relationship you gave me more than Finn did in our entire time together. _

_So Noah I dedicate this reason to you. You were not part of the spiral but you were part of an action that pushed me to the next reason. You were not part of the regret. You are part of the salvation. _

_Right now I am standing outside in the field. I'm standing in the bleachers. They are cold but I don't mind. It is here we broke up those months ago. Here were I realized we were in some ways the very same. It is here were I realized I may actually love you. _

I never knew my eyes could burn. Nor that the splashes of water coming down my cheeks could be so warm. She called my name. Only there was no cruelty. There was no blame. Only love. Who knew it could be as cruel as the accusations?


	10. Reason Twelve

Reason Twelve: Finn

I could feel Finn's stare. It was gawky but all accusing. I never wanted my feelings to be showed to the world. I do have a reputation I like to keep, but it was something I never expected. In fact it was something I never thought possible. Before I could dwell on my thought Rachel's voice filled the room.

_It feels like cheating but this is the way the story goes. Finn you must really be special since you are reason number twelve. _

_When I saw your face after Santana told me the truth my vision blurred. I kept on thinking that it could never be true. Not Finn. Not the person I loved. Not the one. But it was. I never thought pain from the heart could be felt in a physical sense until I met you. _

_My lungs collapsed. My eyes burned. My throat swelled. All physical for something emotional. To realize that the man in front you is not the person you believe is aching. _

_You hurt me that day. _

_I can never find the words to express that feeling, the feeling of hurt. Hurt sounds so simple. How could it possibly encompass the extent of what I felt? Upset is not strong enough. How can it show the damage you caused and the force it brought? Harm implies a blow. How could I use a physical word to explain something so emotional? _

_There is a word in the Japanese language that_

_That is what I felt at that moment. I felt used. I felt tainted. I felt unloved. _

_In Japanese the word "Intrasigence" is used to describe an emotion of such deep hate that you would rather remove them off the planet. That is what I felt that second. I wanted to remove the thing that caused me so much pain. The thing that had damaged me. The thing that betrayed. _

_You didn't just break my heart. You shattered it. You shattered it so well it seemed impossible to pick up the pieces. _

_But I forgave you. I forgave you because it is the thing I always do. It is the thing I only know of. So when I told you of my actions I thought you would understand. I thought you would grant me the same gesture. I thought you could forgive. _

_All I wanted was to be loved but all you did was give me despair. To be loved is the ultimate goal of a star. Guess I failed that, didn't I? _

_You broke up with me. I hurt you and you broke up with. But how many times have you hurt me? And how many times did I forgive you? _

_After you left me at the hallway I thought the world was over. Surely such pain could only mean death. But the world is cruel and it made me move on. I thought we still had a chance. You didn't really give a closure. You just ran away. Again. _

_When the rest of the club was busy helping Brittany I was left with my misery. I fought back. I did the typical Rachel Berry thing. I tried to win you back. I tried so hard because it was the only thing I knew how to do. _

_It was not until you left me at the tree pen that I realized you could never love me. At least not to the same degree that I loved you. That was a realization that took my breath away. The man I thought I loved did not love me. We could never be equals. One of use would always lead and the other would follow. I cried in a field of trees that night. _

_I cried like a child. My face was red and covered with snot. My hair has messy. My voice was scratchy. But I did not care. Just like you didn't care. Just like New Directions did care. Just like nobody cares. _

One more. One more. One more. That is all I thought after Rachel stopped crying after her tears stopped falling. Finn is my best friend but at this moment I hated him. Maybe as much as Rachel hated us.

**A/N- One more chapter to go! Thank you everyone who has alerted the story and placed it as their favorite. A special thanks to: **

kaycedilla2011 **and** zodiac dragonHatori **for their reviews. I'm glad you have all enjoyed the story so far. **


	11. Reason Thirteen

Reason Thirteen: Glee

To think it was almost over would be relieving if I didn't know how painful the last reason could be. Rachel has exposed the faults we have tried so hard to hide. One more reason. But honestly it was also one more dead lifeline.

_After Finn broke my heart I thought Glee would be the thing that got me through. Well turns out it didn't because Glee is reason number thirteen. _

_Thirteen is an odd number, an unlucky number, a baker's dozen. Thirteen is also the number of hits it took to take me down. Thirteen is a thing nobody really thinks about. It exists but it has no real function. Just like me. _

_Glee was the home that was never completed. As you all went on with your lives I stayed stuck in the past. I tried to practice singing as it is my dream to go to Broadway but nothing came out. My voice came out but no emotion. I could only sing to sad songs but never happy lyrics. I was a failure to my dream. _

_It was then I broke. I really broke. I decided if I had no dream then I had nothing. I went out driving. I went got drunk. I danced with strangers. I wanted back some control. If I couldn't control my dream then I could control the nightmare. _

_Not one person noticed. Not the guy who I thought I loved. Not the teacher who I thought could teach me. Not the people I thought could be my friends. Not until it was too late. _

_I guess finding their naked daughter in a tub with a complete stranger proved too much. It was a reality too big to ignore. My fathers decided it was time to leave. It was time to move on. It was time to go. _

_Quinn it is time to go and become more in your life. _

_Finn it is time to go and choose a better world. _

_Shelby it is time to go and raise you perfect girl. _

_Jesse it is time to go and become a star. _

_Mercedes it is time to go and show the world what you are. _

_Artie it is time to go and spread your love. _

_Tina it is time to go and discover who you are. _

_Kurt it is time to go back to the place you belong._

_Santana it is time to go and think of what you have done. _

_Mr. Shue it is time to go and teach what is really going on. _

_Puck it is time to go and love._

_Finn it is time to go…just go. _

_Rachel it is time to go and move on._

_That is why I left. Not because I didn't get a solo. Not because Finn broke up with me. I left for a chance. I left to become a person worth saving. I left to prove the world I am someone that is worthy. I am somebody to love. _

_I am now at a school of arts in New York. Thanks to Puck I am now trying to reach my dream and become his equal. At first I didn't want to try but then I started to create the tape and realized I have something worth fighting for. _

_I am a person._

_I am a star._

_I am Rachel Berry. _

The last hour I have spent listening to a girl who could do so much but was limited by a world that was not ready. She was here but not really. What made Rachel Berry, well Rachel Berry, is gone.

The tape stopped and I never knew that the loss of the grainy sound could bring along so much utter despair. Silence is golden. What a lie. Silence is nothing but regret. Silence is nothing but an absence. Silence is not Rachel Berry. And right now I would give anything to be with her. To tell her what her heart had craved all along.

**A/N: Done! So I hope you have enjoyed the story or at least stuck to it until the end. I made a really cheesy banner for it which I have linked in my profile. Big thanks to all the people who alerted and favorite-ed the story as well as: **

Shelz, rainthenrainbows, kaycedilla2011, Notjustanotherperson, zodiac dragonHatori, **and** PuckleberryExpress **for the reviews. **


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